Lately, I haven’t felt close to God, and to be honest, I’m convinced that both of us are to blame.
I can own up to my part in the disconnection; I will admit that I haven’t sought Him as much lately.
I have allowed busyness to keep me from reading the bible, I’ve gotten distracted when setting aside time to pray, and I’ve spent too much idle time scrolling through Instagram and YouTube.
But if I can keep it 100, sometimes I’m just not feeling it, especially when I have consistently sought God but He still seems far away.
Since moving to Dallas last year, I’ve prayed that God would lead my husband and me to a bible-teaching church where we can grow, serve, and get plugged into a community. It’s been almost a year, and I still don’t feel that He’s led us to the right place. Now, don’t get me wrong; I understand that finding a church home can take a lot of time (been there before), but knowing that doesn’t make it any easier to stay engaged and fired up about God when you’re struggling to find a supportive Christian community and challenging teaching.
So, I’m not feeling as close to God in church; okay. I still have my personal bible study, right?
But how do you press through when lately it seems like more of a chore than a delight to open the bible? Even my favorite pastors and bible teachers whom I listen to almost daily aren’t reigniting that flame of desiring deeper bible study that usually burns within me.
Not feeling connected through church, not getting closer through bible study, what about prayer? I’m not going to beat around the bush on this one. If you’re already feeling disengaged from lack of fulfilling bible teaching, lack of community, and disinterest with your personal time with God, motivating yourself to pray seems like a far stretch.
But, let’s say you do muster up the strength, even if it’s just, “Lord, please help me.” I’ve been there many times when I don’t feel I can pray, and all I have the energy left to do is offer up a simple plea:
Lord, I need you.
Lord, please speak to me.
Lord . . . please.
Yet, even these simple prayers don’t always bring comfort or an increased sense of closeness with God. Why? Well, for starters, oftentimes it doesn’t feel like God answers you because you either don’t see a difference in or feel differently about your situation. And if He does answer you, it’s not always direct and as clear as when you’re talking face-to-face with another person. He may answer you through His word, through someone He leads into your life, or even through a chain of events. And His response can range from the moment after you’ve prayed to weeks and months later.
Plus, let’s not sugar coat things. Although we have faith that God exists, it’s not always easy or comforting to talk to someone you can’t see. There is a level of engagement two people have being physically present during a conversation that’s hard to match virtually . . . and in the case with talking to God, spiritually.
And so experiencing all this—no church home, no supportive faith community, waning interest in personal bible study, and challenges with prayer—it’s no surprise that I’ve found myself in a season of just not feeling it.
Yet, in the midst of this, I’ve still tried to seek God and ask Him to draw near to me and to help me because I don’t like feeling so disconnected and disengaged from Him. And many times I’ve felt like David did in Psalm 13, because even though I am pleading for help, God still seems so distant. David cries:
How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day?
I continued wondering “how long” as I drove to my chiropractor yesterday morning. I had felt weary after attempting to read the bible and reconnect with God the night before but yet again not sensing His presence.
During my appointment, my chiropractor asked another doctor to take over. She began gently stretching my neck, and as she held my neck in her hands, out of nowhere she asked if she could pray for me.
Now, this office has never come out and said it’s a christian business, but it’s pretty clear from the music they play, the bible on the table in the restroom, and different signage that they believe in Jesus Christ.
“Yes, thank you,” I responded to the doctor, caught off guard because I had never had a physician randomly and openly pray for me.
She prayed over my body and health issues, and at one point she said, “Lord, let her know you are with her.” I did my best to hold back the tears that were forming.
It was very quick and unexpected, but in that brief moment I knew God was telling me, “Shala, I am here.”
He didn’t answer my prayers for direction as I’m working to build my LLC, he didn’t give me the name of a church to visit, or reassure me that I’m in His will. He didn’t answer the many, many prayers and questions I’ve brought to Him.
He simply wanted to let me know that He sees me. And I didn’t know it until then, but that was what I truly needed.
Will I still have to work through this season of feeling disengaged? Yes. Will it be easy, or fun, or something I feel motivated to do? Definitely not. But what matters is that God has reminded me that even when he feels far away, He is still very much with me.
James 4:8 promises us that if we draw near to God, He will draw near to us. Although this hasn’t felt true during this season, God reassured me of that promise today. It may not feel like He’s drawing near to us when or how we want Him to, but we can be confident in His word and trust that regardless of what it looks or feels like, God is always there.
If you’re a christian who just isn’t feeling it right now, let me reassure you that you’re not alone. It’s common for us to have seasons of disengagement and detachment as we walk with God. And although it may not be easy, I want to encourage you to keep seeking Him. Keep drawing near to God in whatever way you can, whether by listening to a gospel song, reading a scripture, or even watching a TV show or movie about Jesus. Don’t stop trying to connect with Him even when it feels like He isn’t doing the same. God is always ready to connect with you, and as you keep searching for Him, He will make Himself known to you.
Even if it’s through a simple prayer from a stranger.