I’ve been wrestling with God for the past few months.
I just cannot understand why something I believe He called me to do has been so hard.
I’ve been working on publishing our You Are Beautifully Different guided workbook since the beginning of this year. I created it to help Christian women understand their identity in Christ, embrace the unique way God created them and walk confidently in their God-given purpose.
I truly believed that because this was for God, He would make the way for it. Surely He wants this to succeed, right?
In my mind, He would open the right doors and this process would be a bit more smooth sailing because I’m working so hard to use my gifts to encourage those following Him.
But from editing to design to publishing, it has felt like one obstacle after another. I’ve gotten so close to the finish line that I’ve had multiple finished drafts in my hands, yet there always seems to be one more thing delaying publication.
And lately, I’ve been extremely discouraged.
I’ve questioned God about my struggles. This is for You. I’m trying to help women understand who they are in Christ. Why is this so difficult?
Then I re-watched a conversation about suffering that reminded me to look at my situation differently.
What If Winning Isn’t the Goal?
I was watching Jude 3 Project’s Courageous Conversations: Why Does God Allow Suffering? when the facilitator asked the panel how Western culture has impacted the way we view God during times of suffering.
One of the scholars explained how Western culture can give us a narrative that says we need to win, be self-sufficient, be liked and have things go our way.
Then she made a point that I couldn’t stop rehearsing in my mind:
God’s highest goal for me isn’t self-actualization. It’s for me to know Christ.
Whew.
Because if I’m being transparent, I realized that even in ministry, I can adopt the world’s definition of success and attach God’s name to it.
I say things like, “This is for God’s glory,” while still measuring its success by how many people buy the products I launch or “I’m doing purposeful work,” while assuming that means everything should work out the way I envisioned it.
And there’s nothing wrong with wanting the things we create to succeed. I want this journal to sell. I want women to use it. I want Peculiar On Purpose to grow and reach more women.
But I’ve had to ask myself:
What if God’s definition of success in this season looks different from mine?
What if the most important thing God is producing through this journal right now isn’t the journal, but within me?
In 2 Corinthians 3:18, Paul writes that we’re all being transformed into Christ’s image.
Becoming like Christ isn’t a side effect of my Christian life while I pursue everything I believe God has called me to do.
Becoming like Christ is the work.
The Obstacles Have Been Driving Me to God’s Feet
When I look at this season through that lens, I notice something.
I’ve prayed more, read my Bible more, and sought God more.
There have been so many moments when my prayer has basically been, Lord, I need You. Please help me.
And maybe that’s part of what God is doing as He walks me through this process.
I still want the problems resolved; let’s be clear. I would LOVE to finally publish this journal and stop finding things that need to be fixed. But I don’t want to become so focused on getting to the other side that I miss what God is doing inside of me while I’m here.
I think sometimes there’s an unspoken belief in Christianity that obedience should make things easier. I know I’ve believed this.
But Scripture doesn’t really give us that picture. Obedience didn’t keep Paul from hardship. It didn’t keep Joseph from betrayal and imprisonment. And it certainly didn’t lead Jesus away from suffering. Jesus Himself tells us, “In this world you will have trouble” (John 16:33).
Following Christ doesn’t exempt us from difficulty, and neither does doing something for Christ.
That’s something I’ve had to sit with.
What Is This Season Producing in You?
I’m learning to ask a different question.
Instead of only asking, “God, when are You going to get me out of this?”
I’m trying to ask:
“God, who are You forming me to become while I’m here?”
Maybe that’s a question you need to ask too.
If you’re in a season where things aren’t happening the way you thought they would, what is this season producing in you?
Is it teaching you patience? Is it exposing something you’ve been trusting more than God? Is it teaching you to surrender control? Is it deepening your prayer life? Is it showing you something about the character of Jesus?
James 1:2–3 tells us that the testing of our faith produces perseverance. That doesn’t mean suffering feels good. It doesn’t mean we can’t be disappointed, frustrated, confused or tired.
I certainly have been. But I think we can hold two truths at once:
This is hard.
And…
God can use this.
I’m reminding myself, while I’m still in it, that God’s goodness cannot be measured by whether my plans succeed. His faithfulness isn’t proven by whether something sells. And His presence isn’t determined by whether the road I’m walking is easy.
The goal isn’t for me to win.
The goal isn’t for everything I create to become successful.
The goal is Christ.
To know Him, become more like Him, and trust that even when I don’t understand what He’s doing, He can still use what I’m going through to transform me.
If you’re walking through a difficult season too, what has God been teaching you through it? And are there any sermons, books, Scriptures or other resources that have encouraged—or challenged—you along the way?
