Last week, the beautiful and talented Keke Palmer posted a series of pictures on Instagram that kept folks talking for days. She captioned them with a transparent and encouraging message about her struggle with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) and how over the years she’s tried numerous doctors, diets, and products with no help.
The amount of women who flooded the comments section sharing similar struggles was overwhelming. Most were thankful, some were triggered, and everyone was shocked.
Me included.
Looking at her face covered in dark brown patches of previously inflamed and now bruised skin felt like I was looking in a mirror. As a millennial black woman, I have always admired Keke for also being a young black woman who is a ball of energy, positivity, and fun. But I would’ve never guessed that we also relate through a struggle that so many black women battle yet very few reveal.
I have struggled with cystic acne and post-inflammatory hyperpigmentation (PIH) since I was 13. That’s not only the past 17 years, it’s the majority of my life. Like Keke (and many others) this has been a constant up and down battle that has brought me many depressed days and tearful nights.
Photos of my struggle with acne and hyperpigmentation over the years.
And because most of my family and friends do not have these issues, I have often felt discouraged at the thought that no one truly understands. Trying to manage any health issue can feel like a lonely, isolating struggle, and this is one of the main reasons I and so many other women appreciated Keke’s transparency.
As the week went on, I noticed how Keke continued to post videos that clearly showed her makeup-free skin. And I also observed that more and more people began to comment on what she should do to change her condition. This also caught Keke’s attention because she posted this frank message with her acne coverage makeup tutorial:
YOU WILL GET BLOCKED TELLING ME HOW TO MANAGE MY SKIN IM NOT ASKING YOU FOR ADVICE OR YOUR HELP. PLEASE STOP ITS VERY RUDE AND I PROMISE YOU CANT CURE ACNE OVER THE INTERNET #PCOS
Ouch. Her “caps clapback” sounded much different from the woman who had been so encouraging only a few days before.
But similar to how I felt her I-struggle-with-acne pain, I also understood her recent frustrations.
People mean well when they offer advice to those dealing with acne and hyperpigmentation. I truly believe that the humanity in us causes us to want to help those we see struggling, especially if we’ve had success with a remedy.
But the battle with acne is so personal and looks different for each person, physically, mentally, and emotionally. And oftentimes our eagerness to help can lead the person into more hurt.
So, speaking from an acne sufferer who has received the gamut of “helpful” suggestions and opinions, allow me to share a few do’s and don’ts when you’re talking to someone who is dealing with acne.
STOP SAYING . . .
“You should drink more water.”
You should eat less sugar, or dairy, or processed foods. You should take this supplement or go vegan or go to a dermatologist. Do you know how many times an acne sufferer hears “you should do” or “you should try” although they never asked a question? Again, I know people want to help but to truly do so, please stop giving unsolicited advice. Like, for real stop it. Now.
All of the “you should” suggestions automatically assume that the person has not tried a certain diet, lifestyle, or product. But let me put this into context for you: Since age 18, I have been to 27 different doctors and specialists ranging from a dermatologist and naturopath to an acupuncturist, gastroenterologist, and allergy doctor. I have tried every skincare product imaginable and my cupboard stays stocked with various supplements I’ve tried. I’ve restricted certain foods, added other whole foods, and drink water all day, every day. And this is me giving a brief summary of my experience.
Most people suffering from acne have tried everything you can think of or suggest, so it’s not helpful to get unsolicited advice for remedies we know don’t work for us. This can also be triggering as it reminds us of our seemingly never-ending journey of trying to find a cure.
“It’s not that bad; you can barely see it.”
It may sound encouraging to tell someone with acne and PIH that their skin doesn’t look “that bad” or a pimple isn’t noticeable, but oftentimes it’s not. Downplaying or dismissing the person’s condition invalidates his or her feelings and experience. Sure, their skin may not look bad to you, but what matters is how they feel about their appearance, especially since this condition affects more than people’s faces. I also suffered from acne/PIH on my chest and back, which caused me to be even more self-conscious about how I looked.
Downplaying acne’s seriousness is a key reason those of us who suffer from it keep silent. I don’t have cancer or another serious illness, so I feel bad for even focusing on my skin issues, especially when others write them off as cosmetic. But, acne is a disease; it’s rooted in a disorder within the body that manifests through the skin. And studies show that acne also has psychological affects including depression and anxiety, especially in women.
This struggle is beyond the surface level that people can see. It is that bad.
“You’re brave to show your natural skin.”
YouTube makeup vlogger Jackie Aina recently vented about this after people continued to applaud her “bravery” for showing her makeup-free face on social media. She said:
Every time someone sends me a “you’re so brave for showing your real skin!” messages it actually makes me feel really really self conscious. I truly don’t even think my skin is nearly as bad as people are saying it is but every time it’s pointed out it’s like great thanks for the reminder
Again, I know people mean well to praise others for being transparent, but the titles of brave and courageous are triggering. A natural face with blemishes and hyperpigmentation is called being human. Sadly, social media’s obsession with perfection has distorted the meaning of normal.
So, now that we’ve covered what you need to stop, let’s focus on actions you can begin.
START . . .
Listening.
If a person is sharing their skin and health struggles, JUST LISTEN. Don’t be so quick to offer advice. Sometimes saying nothing is the best support you can offer. A listening ear will show the person that you care about their struggle and experience and provide an often-needed outlet free of judgement.
Recognizing.
Saying things like “Thank you for sharing with me; I understand that this is difficult for you” or “I can see that this is an issue for you, and I am sorry you’re dealing with this” shows an acne sufferer that you recognize what their experience means to them. It validates their feelings and lets them know their perspectives matter. Simple recognition for people who often suffer in silence can offer a world of support.
Asking.
Before you offer advice or opinions, ask, “Is there any way that I can help?” This puts you in a position to truly support someone in a manner they will find most helpful. It also reinforces that you recognize their personal struggle versus assuming common remedies will apply to their situation.
When I first started seeing a counselor at the beginning of this year, she asked if I had ever experienced any type of trauma. We’re used to associating violent acts with trauma, but let me be clear:
Suffering from acne can be traumatic.
So, I pray that this blog post has shed some light on the complexity of this health issue and will encourage us all to rethink what support means. There is so much more going on beyond the surface that people see. And even the most well-intentioned “advice” can trigger acne sufferers to revisit their pain.