I struggle with unbelief, specifically in a few areas. I can imagine this being true at some point for most followers of Jesus. But there are levels of this struggle where sometimes I’m just having an off day and need to shift my perspective to the truth I know deep down and other times where I feel utterly lost, confused, and hopeless.

Yesterday was a reminder of the heights my battle with unbelief can climb to.

My mom texted asking me to pray. Like earlier that morning, my nephew had again snuck out of the house and she and my sister (his mother) could not find him.

It was dark.

It was getting late.

They were both worried . . . and tired.

And the physical aspect didn’t scratch the surface of their fatigue.

My nephew is 10, and though a sweet, energetic kid, he also suffers with extreme mental and behavioral issues. Whatever ideas popped into your mind when reading that he has probably experienced or done, plus more.

He has attended various behavioral schools but has regularly been suspended for acting out toward the staff and other students.

He’s run away from school many times.

He’s threatened violence toward others.

He easily lies and manipulates to get his way.

My nephew has uncontrollable mood swings.

And, unfortunately, the list could go on and on and on. But so does the list of all the ways my family has tried to help him.

Medicine.

Therapy sessions.

Sports.

Big Brother programs.

Specialized case workers.

Involvement at church.

Many, many hours of prayer.

Anyone raising children understands how tiring it can be, but add severe mental and emotional disorders to the mix and you have a perfect recipe for exhaustion.

So, I texted my mother back attempting to encourage her without showing my own discouragement. I reminded her that although we don’t always understand, we have to trust that God is in control. Just keep praying for direction and strength.

“I know,” she sighed. “Sometimes it just feels like we’re talking to a wall.”

My eyes welled with tears as I read her text; my blurred vision couldn’t hide her sense of defeat.

Defeat.

I know it so well, and in that moment, I feel it too.

And my family has felt it for many years now.

If we can be honest, sometimes when we pray it does feel like we are talking to a wall. Sometimes it feels like God either isn’t listening or doesn’t care because He isn’t changing anything.

And we know the truth, right? We know the familiar encouragements when we start to feel like God is absent.

We run to Romans 8:28 hoping that He indeed will work the bad together for our good and we try to abide by Proverbs 3:5-6 and not lean on our own understanding. But let’s be honest, it can be so hard.

God’s promises can seem so far and often unattainable when the brokenness of life is so near. . . and so frequent.

Recently, I listened to a message by Pastor Tony Evans called, “God Knows What He is Doing.”

He said that the second most important thing for Christians to understand is that God is sovereign. He has absolute control of everything, which means God either directly causes or divinely allows everything that happens in our lives, knowing it’s ultimately for our good.

The fact that I know that God’s sovereignty is true and that in being a loving, sovereign God, He only causes or allows anything that He knows will ultimately be for our good makes this challenge with my nephew so much more confusing.

And my struggle with unbelief even more real.

God knows everything my family has gone through. He sees the leaving work early to pick him up when he’s been kicked out of school. He sees the frustration at repeating the same things over and over to my nephew but it going in one ear and out the other. He sees the child welfare inquiries after my nephew has falsely accused my family of things because he couldn’t get his way. He sees the confusion. He sees the tears. He hears the pleas for help.

Yet, instead of changing things, which in an instant He has the power to do, God allows it.

And deep down, my sister, my mother, me, and all my family have to simply trust that it’s because it’s for our and my nephew’s greater good.

I have to be honest with my saved, Holy-Ghost-filled self: this is extremely difficult.

I’m a natural encourager and often rush to send my mom and sister scriptures, prayers, and uplifting words when something happens with my nephew. But over the years, it has gotten harder and harder to know what to say or send during these times as I have grappled with struggling to believe the words I’m used to sharing.

And I am still struggling with this. Though I want God to heal my nephew and bring peace and joy to my family, I don’t know if He will. But I do know no matter the confusion, hurt, anger, or disappointment, God still wants me to share my feelings with Him.

So, for now, I will simply try my best to follow the honest example of the man in Mark 9:24, and say, “Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief.”

If you’re struggling with unbelief, I invite you to join me in bringing this battle to God.

Lord, I simply don’t understand, and I often feel confused when it seems like you’re not listening to my prayers. I trust that you hear me. I trust that you’re able to change my situation. But I don’t always trust that you will, especially when it seems like things don’t change but instead they get worse. Father God, I believe you can make a difference; please help my unbelief.

In Christ Jesus name, Amen