2020 has been a tough year. I don’t think there is a sentiment more universally true at this moment.

I have never experienced a variety of such extreme events in the short span of eight months. My emotions have been through a whirlwind and my mind has struggled to keep up.

And then on August 28, 2020, I received a text that read, “The Black Panther has died.” My heart seemed to stop as I frantically Googled my Wakandan King.

There it was in big bold words: Chadwick Boseman, ‘Black Panther’ Star, Dies of Cancer At 43.

Moments like that can be difficult to put into words when you are physically in the moment. But I knew this surreal state all too well.

Shock.

Confusion.

Disbelief.

Fear.

Sadness.

This year has given me too many moments like this.

I closed my laptop as tears began to well in my eyes and bowed my head.

Lord, I cannot take anymore.

I cannot take another headline.

I cannot take another COVID-19 new case report.

I cannot take another senseless killing.

I cannot take it anymore.

Though the feeling of being here yet again was not new, what happened next was.

I allowed myself to cry.

I did not fight back the tears, try to look up a comforting scripture, or switch my attention to something positive.

I allowed myself to cry and to truly experience all that I was feeling in that moment.

And I realized that this is something we all need to do as we navigate 2020, especially believers because oftentimes we would rather mask our true feelings with an “I’m blessed and highly favored” for fear of not being a faith-filled, hopeful Christian.

I should not be sad or fearful if I know Jesus, right?

Yet, my counselor once told me that it is okay to go through an emotion. You don’t have to wallow and stay in it nor do you have to suppress the emotion like it doesn’t exist—it is perfectly okay and healthy to allow yourself to experience working through your feelings.

So, would you mind if I take some time and work through mine?

What 2020 Has Been Like For Me

Difficult

It hasn’t been easy for me to adjust to so many changes in such a short time. When quarantine started in March, I was thankful to get a much needed break from work but moments were also difficult when I missed family and friends, wasn’t sure what to believe from the news and CDC guidelines, wearing masks when returning to work and pretty much everywhere I went, and trying to celebrate my husband’s birthday and dental school graduation virtually. I also missed physically going to church and fellowshipping more than I could have imagined.

Uncertain

COVID-19 has been so disruptive and has caused so many changes in everyday life. I worry if things will ever be normal again or if I can accept the “new normal.” People have such mixed views and approaches to this pandemic and social distancing; it’s confusing to know what is best to do and not to do. I just moved to a new state; will I be able to meet people through social distancing? Will schools ever be the same again so that my mom won’t keep struggling to virtually teach her students with special needs?

Shocking

I still cannot believe Kobe Bryant died. I cannot think about him too long before getting emotional. And my heart still cannot handle thinking of him, his daughter, and the other people on board that helicopter. Have mercy, Lord.

Then Ahmad Arbery, Breonna Taylor, and a knee on George Floyd’s neck for 8 minutes and 47 seconds? Yet, I still hear people say racism doesn’t exist?

And now my beautiful, sweet King T’Challa. I know God doesn’t make mistakes, but why Lord?

A Bag of Mixed Emotions

2020 has not felt great, at all. But I am thankful for the moments of joy I was able to experience this year. I turned 30 in February and had an amazing birthday celebration with girlfriends. My husband graduated from dental school and landed his first job one month later. The Lord blessed us to purchase our first home in a new state; no more renting! The rona did gift me with being off work for almost two months and getting paid for it. And I have felt so much hope at seeing so many people from different backgrounds (not to mention many companies) standing in unity for Black lives and Black equality. I know blessings when I see them.

Yet, I have also felt immense sadness for those (including my family) who lost loved ones, many not even from the virus, and were not able to attend their funerals. Weddings were postponed and graduation ceremonies canceled. Quarantine restrictions have affected being physically close and connected to family and friends and people cannot even accompany their loved ones to important doctor’s office visits or physically help welcome newborn babies.

So, yes, 2020 has been a tough year. And I still feel a little down since learning of Chadwick Boseman’s passing, but I am openly accepting this and the many reasons to have felt discouraged this year. I am going to keep allowing myself to grieve the many losses of 2020 and journey through all the emotions that have accompanied this unprecedented year— and it does not make me any less Christian or faith filled to take time to experience how I am feeling.

In fact, God gives me the space to do so. Psalm 34:17-18 affirms some of our emotions:

When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

We can cry. We can be brokenhearted. Our spirits can be crushed from the back-to-back tragedies of 2020. We can truly cast all our cares on Jesus because He cares for us (1 Peter 5:7).

I pray the last four months of this year don’t grieve us the way 2020 has thus far, but even if they do, I hope we’ll be encouraged to process each moment, no matter how emotional.