Recently, I saw a headline about Yvonne Orji and the fourth season of Insecure, which made me realize that I’ve been totally out of the loop with this show. You see, I learned about it in 2017 (shout out to all my always-late-to-the-party people) and was very excited to watch a show about friendship, love, and young black people in their element. Plus I LOVE Issa Rae as a creative, and like her, I’m rooting for everybody black, so supporting her HBO premiere was a no brainer.

But as I watched the first season, I found myself cringing during certain parts, uncomfortable during others, and flat out convicted toward the end.

Let’s be clear that I’m not an I-only-watch-PG-content Christian, but I do believe in guarding our minds and hearts and not allowing everything to enter them.

So, too much vulgarity isn’t going to work for me.

Too much drugs and violence is out.

And sex, on sex, on sex, on sex is an almost instant deal breaker for me.

And for my preference, Insecure had a not-so-good mix of all of the above.

So, I did what any Christian girl who’s trying guard herself would do and decided that I would no longer watch Insecure.

This was not an easy decision because I loved Issa and Molly’s friendship dynamic, Kelli is hilarious, Chad says the N-word way too much but my gut hurts from laughing any time he’s in a scene, and I was definitely rooting for Isaa and Lawrence to work things out (I admit that I’m a romantic).

Plus, I’m a freaking creative and wildly pro-black! So, to see these black characters in all their LA glory and know it’s the work of an insanely talented young black woman is so dope and inspiring to me.

Though my conscious rejected some of Insecure’s content, my heart never did. Which is why I found myself watching episode 1 of season 4 soon after I saw that Yvonne Orji article.

And, again, I was excited seeing the characters, this new self-care Sunday, and Molly holding onto a relationship (yasss Molly!).

And then the scene switched to Issa getting it in with TSA bae.

And then the mirror/stuck condom thing.

And my heart sank like it did when I first watched Insecure, because I knew my spirit wouldn’t be at peace watching the show.

Now, I’ll keep it 100. In my quest to really see if Insecure had changed in any way and holding out hope that I wouldn’t have to completely write off the show—plus I’m just a human who doesn’t always have willpower to make the right decisions—I ended up watching the full season.

Though I got upset with Molly like everyone else, was refreshed by the closure episode with Issa and Lawrence (so happy they’re back together!), and loved Issa finding herself and using her talents to represent Inglewood’s black culture, deep down I still know that as a Christian woman trying so desperately to have a certain lifestyle, I cannot watch Insecure.

Yes, I enjoy more things about it than not, but the “bad” about the show is consistent enough to keep me from regularly watching it.

And I know this is solely because of who I am striving to become in Christ.

2 Corinthians 5:17 says, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.”

While I certainly haven’t “arrived” at full righteousness (and never will this side of heaven), I can truly say that many things about me have changed the closer and more intimate I become in my relationship with Jesus Christ. He is changing my heart and mind to be more like Him, to the point where I don’t desire, find pleasure in, or even accept the things that I used to.

Psalm 34:7 is manifesting in my life because as I have continued to delight in God and pursue Him, truly, He is giving me the desires of my heart—desires that mirror His own.

So while I love the idea of Insecure, my heart does not desire some of its content.

The excessive cursing and crude language offends my heart as it would my savior’s, and the casual premarital sex directly contradicts the beauty of sex within a covenant of marriage.

I know, I know. It’s just TV. It’s just fiction and make believe.

But just watching can lead to just one seed being planted in our hearts that leads to just a little lust and just a bit of sin.

But sin’s consequences are very real.

So, sadly, I will have to forego season 5 of Insecure. But I’m still rooting for Issa, the cast, the representation, and everybody black.

But I’m also rooting for pure, whole hearts and minds found only in following Christ.

And those I have to cheer a little louder for.